Vignette 1: A Spark of Genius
by Jokerlady
Summary: Joker has just gone through a electroshock therapy and what results is a dissertation on the Joker's world in his own twisted way, narrated in his own words. Expect some drama, but mainly some insane fun with the Clown Prince.Joker's Birthday Party 1 of 3


_**UPDATED CHAPTER!** After some good samaritans pointed out some...blunders. I tried to fix them all. Thanks to you all! Some more Joker humor has been added._

_**Author's note:** Ok, I was really bored this July 4th weekend and this little idea popped into my head. This story is supposed to be self contained, but at the end...Joker took over and decided to leave me hanging (HA, HA) No, really. The plot is not too complicated. Its starts with Joker's electroshock therapy and goes on to explore a little bit of his crazy psyche. It's a combination of drama, twisted humor, insanity, and a view of the world as only can Joker see it...in his very own words. Hope you guys like it, and hope it will bring a smile to your face. Please feel free to review at your leisure, and I ask excuses for taking some liberties with the character. Enjoy._

DISCLAIMER 1: Joker and Batman are property of DC COMICS. The rest of the characters live only in my imagination.

DISCLAIMER 2: Sometimes, descriptions of violent acts will be used. Be adviced

**A Spark of Genius:**

Oh man what a trip.

I've always liked this little so called electrotherapy sessions. They always leave me with this tingly sensation in my head. You know, like in those shampoo commercials. After this session, the tingling was unusually strong due to the increase in the voltage that the good doctor recommended after last week's treatment failure. I feel sorry for Dr. Arkham sometimes. He really thinks that he can rewire my brain in these sessions. As if I needed to be rewired. HA! Now that's a joke. Why are they so obsessed on fixing what ain't broke? I really have no clue.

I felt someone near me and I opened my eyes to find the new guard removing the little head piece with the electrodes from my head. He was nervous. I could smell his fear and I could assess that his fear smelled like…'SMORES. Yeah, did you know that's what fear smells like? No wonder I like to smell other people's fear, and boy…does it make me hungry for more. Without a word, he gently removed the rubber bit from my mouth.

"Whaaah!" I cried with all my might doing my best impersonation of a newborn baby. The young guy backed off nervously looking at Rudy, the main man in my personal security escort. I started a tantrum. "I want my mommy!"

"Stop that, Joker." Rudy said in that gruff voice of his. He's never smiled, never laughed. Actually the only thing he has always done is glare at me with his black beady eyes and I've lovingly named him PIMA or Pain In My Ass. Not to worry, I will carve a smile on that ugly face one day. Just the thought of drawing blood from this pig made me laugh, so I let go and laughed as hard as I could.

Man, they say that laughing adds years to your life. At this rate, I'll live forever. HA, HA, HA!

"You guys are such a charming audience." I replied between giggles. They don't know that I normally kill the audience after the show, but they will soon find out .

"Shut up or I will shut you up, Clown." Rudy barked again as he approached me and pushed me hard against the table where I've been strapped on for the electroshock therapy. This guy must've something personal against me, I swear. He then turned to the rookie. "Finish undoing his straps, Carl."

Ooh, so the new guy had a name. Cool. Carl, Carlitos, Charlie. I've always wondered how they select the names here. You see, they are not allowed to use their REAL names with me anymore. Not after what I did to Tony and his family a few months ago. Who would have guessed, that Tony's namewas really…well…Tony and finding his address on the net was going to be a piece of cake. Yeah, one click of the mouse and there it was. At least that is what my contact said when I asked him to do it and I have to admit; I outdid myself that day I paid Tony a visit after one of my escapes. Not that I feel any remorse because Tony had been an asshole to me. He deserved everything I did to him, and my God…the things I did to him and his family. I was inspired by the muse to make a masterpiece. And a masterpiece he was…or were. I don't know. At least the small pieces I left of him and his family were. The image of his creative demise came back to me and I started laughing away again. I'm so good at this thing of killing with a smile. Murder is a dying art…literally…and there I went again, laughing my ass off. I'm so clever!

Carl was getting really nervous now. So I decided to play with the kid a little bit more. I gave him my best smile and just stared at him intensely. It was hard to hold my laughter, because toying like this with people always brought me such joy. He just looked away as he started undoing the straps on my ankles. From the corner of my eye I saw the other two guards aiming their Taser guns at me and I was ready to start laughing again. That didn't work last time, guys. Remember?

Finally Rudy got off me, good Lord! That man IS heavy…and he stinks of too much brandy and cheap cigars. Carl in contrast smelled like Tommy Hillfinger and expensive wine and he was so quick and efficient… In the blink of an eye he had me free…so to speak. But I could see that he was sweating like a pig. HA! That's funny, he IS a pig. I was having so much fun with this guy…

"OK Joker," Carl finally said with a slight tremor on his voice. Boy, I'm so good at detecting these little nuisances sometimes I even scare myself. "You know the drill," he said. "Get down from the table slowly. Keep your hands where I can see them."

"Sure." I responded in my most polite tone. There was no reason to be rude to the rookie. "Will wrapping them around your neck be fine? Then I can squeeze until you turn purple…I love purple."

The boy backed off again and that made me giggle. Rudy butted in with his unsmiling mug and grabbed me by the collar of my hospital jumper and forced me to sit on the table.

"I will not say this again, Joker. Stop fucking around!" I smiled and nodded. "Your hands above your head. NOW!" He commanded.

I did as he said and put both hands up, open palms facing him and the thumbs against my head. I also stuck my tongue out and made fun of Rudy with a loud raspberry. You see, I'm not afraid of the Big Bad Bat, so I'm even less afraid of Big Bad Rudy. He should know that by now. As it was to be expected, he didn't smile. Poor Rudy, he was going to live a short life if he keeps up like this. I was going to make sure of that. He pulled me off the table and secured my hands to the two shackles chained to my waist. Those two guards were still aiming their Tasers at me. Wow, I don't think they were even breathing and their hands were white after holding to their guns so tightly. That has to hurt after a while, you know? Rudy then silently secured shackles to my ankles while I smiled at the rookie.

PIMA checked the shackles one more time and turned to Carl. "OK, he's done," he said. "Now you can walk him to his cell." The boy was about to go running back home. I could sense it from where I stood. Fear smells so sweet. "He can't harm you." Rudy assured the rookie.

"Sure, like those two guards in New Year's." I let out with a cackle. Of course I was referring to the guards that died when they found two gold coins on me during a surprise search on the last New Year's Eve, after the Bat-freak told them I was planning something for the festivities. The coins were a gift from Toofers, but I had laced them with a concentrated version of my trademark toxin. Simple. They touched the coins and they died. Sorry, but it was very funny. It had been an accident since I really wanted to kill someone else with them, but I enjoy the happy moments as they come, because they don't come that often. I laughed loud when I saw the guards laugh themselves to death, but it is that laughter is so contagious…So I laughed loud too. Unfortunately my little mistake then cost me extending my stay in solitary a few more weeks than I originally had planned. And all this because a whole new scheme to leave had become smoke. Then I remember the dead guards mouths pulled into beautiful smiles and I couldn't hold a cackle. Well, the accident at least paid out for giggles.

"I heard…" The boy lets out unknowingly that he had just give me a clues as to how scared he really was, while Rudy ignored me and my happy face. He knew I was enjoying this…and he hated that.

"He's clean, Carl. Just take him to his cell." Rudy grabbed me harshly by my shoulder. "The boys will escort you to make sure he doesn't try anything. Don't let this creep scare you. That is what he wants."

"That is not true!" I protested. "I really want to squeeze his little neck until his eyes pop out of his head."

"SHUT UP!" Rudy barked again. Boy, this dog needed to be euthanized before he spread his crappy humor around. He walked over to the rookie and whispered something to his ear. Carl nodded several times and then came up to me and started pushing me towards the exit.

**Note to self:** I don't like Carl anymore. Pity. Now I'll have to kill him too…

We finally left the therapy room and headed down one of the halls of this hospital towards my room. My head still had that tingly sensation, and I knew it would stay with me for a while to haunt me later, so I tried to preoccupy my head with other things. I thought of the eruption of the Vesuvius. Elizabeth Bathory in her bloody bathtub, the AIDS pandemic and in the middle of so much joy, I tried to start a conversation with my escort.

"So tell me Carl. How old are you?" I asked politely, but Carlitos did not answer. They trained this guy well to not talk to me. Rude if you asked me. But that was the new rule here since they couldn't forgive me after I talked one of my last guards into throwing himself off a window. No big loss. The guy was a loser anyways, needed more therapy than me, and I hated the color of his socks that day. Batman black no less. No taste in fashion. Security guards here are like toilet paper. You use them at your leisure then toss them in the trash and once you run out of them, go to the store to buy more. And nothing is funnier than to wipe my ass with they're macho attitudes. They think they are so tough…until they meet me.

I tried again.

"I'm going to be thirty nine next week." I said joyfully. "No, wait. Forty-three…or is it forty five? It's difficult to remember since I'm living so many lives at once. Hard to keep them all straight after a while, you know? Anyways, my birthday is next week."

Still no response. This was proving harder than I thought.

"Dr. Arkham said I could have a party hat and a balloon if I behaved." I tried again. Third's a charm.

"That's…nice." Carl finally responded showing as much emotion as a cactus as he pushed me ahead of him. Too late though…he had already broke the cardinal rule: he had started a conversation with me.

"Yeah, I think so too. You like parties?" Silence treatment again. I sighed and used my last resort. I begged. "Come on Carl, please. I can be good if you're good to me…"

He pushed me further ahead when I realized I had arrived to my cell. That was one short trip and it proves that time flies when you're having fun. Carl turned me around to face him and started undoing the shackles on my ankles. He then scanned his security card though the slot on the side of my cell. The door opened with a loud fart-like noise…I'm going to get some Beano for that door one of these days.

"Would you like to come to my party?" I asked with a large smile as he started to undo the shackles that restrained my hands. The two guards escorting us still had their Tasers aimed at me. Do these guys ever know when to quit? I don't think they will ever learn that pointing is so rude… "All right, I understand," I said in a still joyful voice. "Would you at least like to kiss the birthday boy?"

Carlitos looked at me strangely as if he was staring at an alien or something. He couldn't be that thick headed, right? It was kind of obvious what I was asking for. He started pulling off the chain from around my waist when I lunged forward and gave him a powerful smooch on his lips. He must've liked it for he just stood there unmoving and stiff like a rock, and it was indeed like kissing an icy metal pole in winter. No passion. Those lips were cold as a corpse. I would have warmed him up with some tongue action if one of the guards didn't come running and separated us by pushing me forcefully into my cell. I fell hard on my ass, and I had to thank that bearded dragon of Evans for my sore behind. I glared at him as he locked the acrylic door in my cell. He just moved two notches up on my little black list, just below my number one…Beloved PIMA.

The guard closed my cell door and I looked at Carl who was just standing there, looking at me in disbelief. Am I that good of a kisser? Man, maybe I should try that with the Bat one day. Who knows? He likes little boys; maybe there is a space in there for a little clown as well. I started laughing hysterically on the floor. I love fucking with that Bat, the same way I like fucking with these guards and the look on the rookie's face was worth a million bucks. They had to push him out of the hall between the other two guards. It was all too funny. You had to be there.

Well, now I was by myself in my cell. My little kingdom, my little dungeon. All at once. I have everything a man needs to survive. A steel toilet, a comfy cot, a table and a chair, all bolted to the floor or the wall. Nothing more. They don't allow me much these days. No books since I shoved one down a doctor's throat once. I have a few sheets of blank paper but no writing utensils after I poked one of the guard's eyes with a pencil. No TV since I rewired the last remote to kill one of the guards in my last escape. Not even a deck of cards to play with, because they said they were punishing me for something I had done. I don't remember what it was, but the guards said it had been bloody. Yes, that looked like something I would have done. Hell, I need Ginko Biloba for this faulty memory. Sometimes I can't even remember who did I kill the week before. Anyways, my life is kind of simple lately. But I always find something fun to do. I use my most powerful weapon, my brain.

But my brain was not up to the task that day. No. There was that feeling of lightheadedness still lingering from the electroshock therapy. I crawled up to one of the corners of the cell and while restin my head on my knees, I started to count slowly backwards from ten when all of a sudden, I started to hear the countdown in stereo. _Oh no, not him again,_ I thought. He comes to visit too often. I looked up and saw him sitting with his legs crossed over my table. My nice clean table. He looks just like me, but he is a lot happier. That's because he doesn't have the same restraints I do.

You see, every once in a while, I have these flashes of memories which I don't know if I make up or not, but they seem like snippets of someone else's lives. Some of them I like, like when I set fire to what I think was my parent's house, but others…well, others I would just prefer to live without and those can slow me down. They give me the blues and make me really angry. That is the reason I make new memories all the time, to keep my brain busy so I don't have to remember those old memories. Then I can be really happy. But he, he doesn't need to remember. He doesn't care for anything at all except being happy. An to be happy all he needs to do is enjoy every single moment of misery he can inflict and tonight he chose me as a target.

_"I see Dr. Arkham turned the dial up a notch or two, eh?"_ I hear him say as I see him as he rocked slightly on top of the table.

"You have an uncanny ability to state the obvious." I replied putting my head between my hands. I felt a headache coming. I always have a headache when he's around. "You should know; you were there. Now leave me alone."

_"Why should I?"_ He responded giggling maliciously.

"Because I don't want to talk to you. Now shoo." It's amazing how my mood swings to an all time low when he is around. One day I will try to find out why. It probably has to do with the colors of the multiverse, crop circles, and the phases of Uranus. Yeah, something like that and the reference makes me giggle. At least it was your anus and not mine…

_"I have not spoken to you in a while. Thought it would be a good time to pay you a visit."_

"Can I get a rain check on that?"

_"No. Just listen to me, OK? You don't have to say anything."_

I crawled back to the acrylic door and stared at the camera hanging from the ceiling above. I knew they could see me in security and that meant they could probably hear me as well. I don't know why, but this staff is so obsessed with me…

"Can somebody please take this other clown out of my cell?" I pleaded yelling as hard as I could. "One cell, one clown, please!"

Then I started laughing. Stupid me. They'll think I'm nuts. There was really only one clown in this cell, me. And that is because this guy in front of me was a fig of my imagination, in case you have not figure that out by now. Just like that crazy rabbit from Wonderland that had tried to eat me last year when he wanted to sleep on my bed. I can make up some scary shit, that's for sure. The freak rabbit was so real and fucking scary had me sleeping of the floor for a few days until he jumped back into his hole…and no, his hole was not in Uranus.

_"Feeling better now?"_ He said. _"You had to get that out of your system, no?"_

"Yeah." I said simply while I walked past him towards my bed. He just followed me with his eyes. "But I don't think they care."

_"It was nice what you did with that Rookie. I liked it."_

"Thanks. Good bye." I replied laying face down on the bed. Maybe if I fell asleep he would go away, I thought. I had plans for the night and I wasn't in the mood for a long conversation with myself.

_"And you almost made Rudy lose it. Bonus points, J."_

"MMHMM…" I said with a yawn. "Au revoir."

_"Now how are we going to play? I'm bored."_

"We'll play after my power nap. Bye, bye."

_"Come on, don't be an asshole. You know you like to play too._" He protested.

"Don't you get tired after Dr. Arkham slowly fries our brain matter with his little electroshock session?" I replied hugging tightly to my pillow. "I feel like steamed broccoli right now."

_"Actually, I think these sessions are kind of productive. You get your best ideas after you have them."_

"Sure. Extra crispy, southern seasoned, grey matter like my Ma use to make. Cerebellum on the side, please."

_"So…what's next on the menu?"_ He laughed and jumped off the table to sit at the end of my bed. If he wasn't imaginary, I would swear he would've made a dent on my mattress. _"Glazed amygdala?"_

I turned around and looked at him directly in the eye. It's amazing how much he looks like me. The green mossy top, beautiful forest green eyes, same bleached complexion and ruby lips extended into a enchanting grin. Do I look that handsome? No wonder Batman can't leave me alone…or Harley for that matter. No, and I'm sure that Catwoman chick digs me big time. I busted into laughter. He laughed with me. I like it when I laugh in stereo surround sound. Wonder what I would sound like in digital. I look at the camera in the hall aimed at my cell and then back at me…ehem…I mean, him.

"OK. You talk, I listen." I said. "Otherwise this would not be a private conversation."

He looked at the camera and understood my meaning. They always kept a close tap on what I do or say. They are like papparazzi after their surperstar prey. Well, I'm not differente since I'm a superstar in my own right. I just need to draw some blood or blow something up and I'm on the front page of the papers. Yes, I'm a surpertar..the type that would Charles Manson look like Mother Theresa.

_"Yes, they probably will hear everything you say."_ I nodded with a smile. _"Alright. Your birthday is coming up and you have to plan something big."_

"How old am I gonna be?"

_"Does it matter? You don't look that old."_ Flirt. He made me smile again. I really like him, though I find him annoying when he pops into my world unannounced. But he has his good uses too, like keeping me company in my lonely nights and I was having a lot of those lately since my arrest._ "Batman has to be invited to the party."_

"Of course, and I would like to invite Carl too. He looks like a good kid." I said as my doppelganger stared at me with surprise. Then an evil smile showed in his beautiful face. God, I love that face.

_"Sure, Two for the price of one. Sounds good to me. You can even invite Rudy, but I don't think you want that sourpuss watering your party. We can leave 'im for later. Just by 'imself."_ I nodded again. _"Well, the plan is easy. Blow up a few things, leave a trail of corpses for the Bat to follow and then the surprise party in Gotham City Hall."_

"Where?" I said not able to hold the surprise to hear such a wild plan. Wow. This guy was really as crazy as me.

_"City Hall. Don't you want to thank Mr. Mayor personally for your accomodations, or Rudy? And don't forget he passed that paper declaring the Guano-breath protector of this city. Even offered him a street named after him. Imagine that…the BAT-LANE! "_

"How come someone as crazy as him gets declared a hero while I'm locked up in here like I was insane? HE is the crazy one, going out dressed up like a bat and jumping from rooftop to rooftop like a jumping jelly bean. Me…? I'm just a misunderstood genius." I press one hand over my chest and the other over my forehead for added drama. "Oh the tragedy of common man not able to differentiate between a real genius and a freak. Why do you think is that?"

_"Beats me but let's try to focus here."_

"You're talking to the wrong person here." I said amusingly. Sometimes he forgets who he's talking to. "I don't do focus, remember?What about chaos? I do that rather well."

_"You focus first then you make chaos. Come on, work with me."_ I nodded and I really tried to concentrate, but it was no use. My mind is everywhere at once. The Bat, Ozzy Osbourne, this place, white chocolate macadamia nut cookies, Harley, the Bubonic Plague, Mr. Bat-sap, a few lines from the Marx Brother movies, me… How the hell am I to focus with all that noise?

"How do I leave this place?" I asked him, knowing he knows what I know.

_"As if you didn't know."_ He answered with an evil smirk. _"I think you were already working on that one before I came."_ I bust into a crazy fit of laughter. He really knows me well. VERY WELL. That is when two guards showed up at my private abode. One of them opens the cell while the other waits at the door with his taser gun tightly held between his hands. This is the third time in one night. I'm going to start shoving tasers up their asses pretty soon…

"Oh hi guys." I said waving effusively and signaling to my imaginary me. "You've met him, right?"

The guards look at me strangely. What? Am I the only one seeing things here?

"OK Joker, enough games for the night," Victor the guard says. "Where is it?"

"Where is what?" I asked sheepishly.

"Carl's security card is missing and you were the last inmate with him."

"So? Why does everybody blame things on the Clown? You're giving me a guilty complex here. That's going to affect my self steem. You want me to get another psychosis? I don't think you want to see me psychotic...no...you really don't."

"Get up, walk to the wall and put both hands against the wall. NOW!" Victor growled.

I shook my head. "No can do. The Clown syndicate prohibits me from working after hours and my shift ended like…" I looked into my pale wrist. "…five minutes ago. Sorry, if you call in the morning…"

The guard probably didn't like my sense of humor for he approached me angrily and pulled me out of bed and pushed me against the wall. Not the brightest idea, if you ask me; especially when there are two of us in this room. He starts searching me.

"HEY! That tickles." I protested as I quickly turned and grabbed the officer's automatic from his holster. Hmmm, .44 caliber automatic with a full clip. Nice. I blew up his face and shot the guard by the door who was too scared to do anything but shake in terror. Damn! He had enough time to try to close the door before he fell dead on the floor, but in a desperate effort I threw my dead guard at the acrylic where he efficiently wedged the door open for my exit. Quick thinking J, I hear imaginary me say from behind the cot where he was hiding.

_"That's the spirit, Boy_." he said again as I squeeze out of my cell. Good to be a thin elastic Clown. The fireworks were going to bring a multitude of pigs in a few seconds, so there was no time to lose. My mind was in turbo, I was having an adrenaline rush and a escape route came to life in front of my eyes. I pulled Carl's security card from…

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Tsk, tsk, tsk…as if I was going to tell you, so you can tell the guards of my secret hiding place. No way Jose…my little story ends here. I don't know you that well, sorry, and if I knew you at all, you will probably be dead by now.

As a matter of fact, I'm not going to tell you how I got out of Arkham that night either. No. A magician never reveals his tricks and a genius like me, needs to keep his stash of secrets well preserved. I'm not even going to tell you where I am now, Let the rodent figure that one out. No, no give away tonight, kids. Otherwise I will have to kill you, and believe me, I will. So don't get on my way, until it's your time to die, and then I will make it the happiest experience of your miserable life. What's important now is that I'm out of THERE and now chilling nicely out HERE and you know what that means…

LET THE SHOW BEGIN!

I laugh hysterically for this will be my best birthday party ever…and you all are invited. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

**READ PART 2: MY MUSE HAS A TWISTED SENSE OF HUMOR**

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OK guys this is it. Let me know what you think about it. Please be kind to review. And for those that find any more mistakes, please don't hesitate to tell me about them… just be a little more specific as to what and where so I can fix it quicker. I don't have a beta for this story so I'm counting on you to help a little bit. Remember this is not my language


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